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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

i am sick to the core that he is throwing his tantrums again.does it mean that i do not voice my opinion i agree that it is the right thing to do?does it mean that i tolerate you i let you hurt me again?why is it that i always let myself be hurt by him..he is my brother..someone who is supposed to care for me..not hurt me..just what did i do wrong..to be hurt verbally by an insensitive brother?why do i let myself be so vulnerable in front of him..are sisters there to let their brothers hurt?to be treated like a toy?when i am angry i hit you;when i am happy i play with you?
why do you deserve a second chance?it is so painfully and blatantly obvious that you do not learn..you only learn what will hurt me,and the next time you throw me back the hurt,much stronger than the previous..why do you always lead me to think that this time,really this time,you learnt your lesson..and the next minute i am smacked back into the cruel reality..why is it that whenever after you hurt me,you act as if nothing has happened?why is it whenever i have hurt you,i feel as guilty as hell?
why is it that this month is set aside for a vacation,a break,yet teachers set so many things for us to do?if so,why do they even set this month aside for?this holiday practically becomes an irregular school days.and since it is called june holidays,do we not get to enjoy ourselves?before the new semester starts and homework,assignments and tests start to pile?
i am truly sick and tired of my life..when will people start to understand i am not an angel who has great results?who feels loved?who is perfect in nearly every ways?all i need is understanding..yet it seems to be the hardest thing ever to ask for..
when will you all realise that behind that smile is a girl who is hurting?smiling does not necessarily mean that i am enjoying myself..why do you all assume?i cannot help it that i have a brother who makes my life hell..i seek comfort in you all..yet all you did was to compare..that hurts nearly as much..who says rocks and pebbles can hurt me but words cannot..i cannot help it that i have a stepsister who cares for me instead of planning to murder me..i cannot help it that her mother and my father divorce..and that i was born the first year of my parents' marriage..i cannot help it that my mother will choose not to give birth to me at all if it is not 1993 but in the early years..i cannot help it that my family is so complicated that it gives me the headache..there is this aunt who only appears when she needs money..she shamelessly borrows money without returning despite the earlier promises even when she borrowed from a sibling who was injured..even her mother who was suffering from cancer..after my grandmother died,she has never appeared other than her funeral..where she just goes around ordering people around but doing nothing herself..aunties and uncles tolerated her because it was their mother's funeral..now she does not even appear during chinese new year,let alone my grandfather's birthday or father's day..and how i know all these and much more?when i was in the backseat trying to sleep and my parents thought i was asleep and was not able to understand cantonese..and my mother talked until she cried..i rather i do not know all these ugly truth about my relatives..about my aunties and uncles..i cannot help it that my surname is like that..i do not deserve to get mocked at..do i?i cannot help it that my life is like that..why do people like to make life difficult for me?is this just life?
why can't life be simple?not so complicated?why do family members treat each other with business-like politeness?why do people mean not what they say?why do people want to hurt each other?don't tell me people derive happiness from that?why do people only do things that will benefit them?why?WHY?because this is life?because adam and eve succumb to temptation?what is the root?what is the answer to all those questions..
JUST WHY CAN'T PEOPLE BE TRUE TO THEMSELVES AND OTHERS?

i am going to give up..really..what matters most?appearance or the heart?maybe my definition of friends is very different from yours..i have tried giving us a chance..but you all just bust it.why do i bother hanging on?holding on?when i know perfectly well nothing could have come out of it..and when i will only be the one hurting..why had fate done such a cruel thing to me..letting me drop all the way down..

i did not know i was so pathetic until i read what i have just post..i think if some psychologists read this,they may think that i am a suicidal case..
tomorrow when i wake up,on my way to school,i will tell and delude myself that everything is alright and fine as long as i have a positive attitude,outlook,perceptive and all those bullshit.and then i will go home,do my homework,read my books,have my meals and wait for the day to past..and till school reopens and i have other matters to busy myself with..

and one day when you ask me why do i bury myself in so many romance novels,my answer will be to delude myself to believe that there is still happy endings..

Wednesday, June 11, 2008